By now we’re all familiar with John Grey’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books designed to shed some light on the differences between the way men and women handle their needs (ostensibly so we won’t drive each other nuts!). The typical man (you know, the one that has to “withdraw into his cave”) is the one that doesn’t need any help getting things done or finding his way around. He refuses to ask for directions when he gets lost, he doesn’t need any help with chores, and refuses to pay a contractor to fix a leak that he’s sure he can plug for free. Men are problem solvers for sure, but they do have their pride! Whatever the biological explanation for this behavior may be, the simple reality is his refusal to seek help can and often does, result in his undoing especially when it comes to his health.
Women on the other hand, are another story. According to a study published in Psychological Review women are more likely to handle stress by “tending and befriending” because they produce larger quantities of the hormone oxytocin, which leads them to nurture offspring and create social networks. Because men produce less oxytocin than women, they are more likely to rely on their ”fight or flight” instinct when it comes to responding to stress. Stress can’t be beaten into submission with a stick, so men tend to run away from or avoid it. Their stubborn need to keep their pride “intact” usually keeps them from seeking help or finding a way to handle their stress.
Carl Pickhardt, PhD and spokesperson for the American Psychological Association says, “women risk letting other people’s needs determine their limits, while their own needs are ignored.”
Self-sacrifice and difficulty setting boundaries in relationships are both ways that many women add stress to their lives. Men are vulnerable to letting challenges, competition and other external factors set their boundaries and are more likely to focus on winning at the expense of the self. “Achieving a winning performance at all costs is how many men enter stress,” says Pickhardt.
At a basic evolutionary level, stress plays a common role in both men and women’s lives. It’s there to alert us to any threats or potential danger whether short-term in nature –like being chased by a perpetrator with a gun– or longer term. Unfortunately the longer-term stress is more subtle and builds over time so we often don’t recognize it until it has taken its toll. Modern day stressors like paying the bills, being responsible for the welfare of children and elders, and external events wreaking havoc on our lives have turned into an epidemic of chronic stress.
While men may be from Mars and women from Venus, it seems that with the current challenges we all face, men need to pay closer attention to their stress and just DEAL with it. And women need to pay closer attention to HOW they deal with stress and make changes as appropriate. Onward and upward as they say …
